i’m going to be honest and up front here, this isn’t a review. I would waste time and effort in trying to write one, as this movie can be described with a single sentence:
This movie is a fucking mess.
I can’t think past that, i can’t give you the Good, the Bad, and The ugly about this… This thing… This movie that cost Two Hundred and Fifty Million dollars to make.
So here it is up front: this is a hit piece. If you want to read a review of this movie, read no farther than this last sentence.
The story such as it is, isn’t as misshapen as Karas: The Prophecy, as it has a beginning, middle, and end. But it’s still comes off as rushed, mislead, and boring. I hear that the Blu-Ray is going to add an extra hour or so to the movie, which makes me shudder at the thought of having to sit through another hour of this disaster. The biggest problem is that DC Comics and Warner Brothers feel the need to play catch up with Marvel Studios, and considering Marvel’s success is built up on 8 years worth of narrative and exposition DC has a lot of ground to cover.
They of course do this in packing 8 years worth of pay offs, and explosions, and revelations into an unspooling mess. Wonder Woman showing up with a screen filling explosion, and trading annoyingly cheeky banter with Superman and Batman hits with a resounding thud because she comes completely out of a vacuum. Batman fighting Superman hits like dog shit on wet cement because Batman comes fully formed out of a vacuum. Nothing in Man of Steel prepared us for this, we’re just given this throwaway Meta-Human dialog and we’re expected to cum in our pants when we see footage of Aquaman, The Flash, and the big three heroes of the Justice League share the screen with one another.
I will usually say when there’s too much action and no substance behind it that it all turns into white noise. But that isn’t the case here; this isn’t white noise as that’s something you can ignore. This is cacophonous earth shatteringly loud noise. This is pots and pans and a grand piano being thrown down the longest flight of stairs you can imagine.
The saving grace of this movie is that i knew exactly when i didn’t like it, and that was in its opening minutes. When Thomas Wayne forgoes logic and reason and tries to punch a man who is mugging him and his family, i knew that i wouldn’t like the Batman in this movie. Instead of the compassion, instead of the sense of morality, instead of the heart and humanity Thomas gave his son so excellently in Batman Begins we instead get violence. Explosive violence. Unsubtle and undiscriminating violence. Carpet bombing, rolling thunder, and nuclear apocalypse like violence if you will.
This Batman is a thug. He’s not a hero because he doesn’t serve the impartial system as the character does in every portrayal (aside from Burton’s movies) of the character that i’ve seen. His actions have no sense of justice, no weighing of the right and wrong, he operates on an eye for an eye mentality. The same garbage spewed by Trump in talking about using nuclear weapons indiscriminately in the event the United States was nuked. It’s fucking pig shit, just like this Batman is.
Those who know me and read my blog might lay my distaste at Ben Affleck’s feet, as they know that i don’t like him. But i’m being absolutely sincere in saying it’s not Affleck’s fault. How could it be? No actor could save this debasement of Batman’s character from this movie. I’m going to move on from this issue, as there’s a lot more to talk about. The Sad Affleck meme is right; who put so much effort into a project like this, see it in all its horrid glory, and think it was worth the effort.
Big action spectacles like this need a good villain to be watchable (at least for me that is, i don’t know as lots of people like Kylo Ren for some reason) and to that end i have to ask:
What the fuck were they thinking with this version of Lex Luther?
Did they purposefully go out of their way to make him neurotic and annoying? As his eccentric vocal and physical tics and the faux intellectual garbage he spews out of his mouth makes me ask what am i supposed to feel when he’s on screen? Anxiety? Admiration?? Fear??? Well i feel none of the above, only desperation and shame that i paid money to hear and see this movie.
I’ve never had as strong a desire for a movie to stop as i have here in Batman V Superman. It came to a peak when Zod was transformed into Doomsday and i the only thing i can think of was:
Doomsday is in this movie? But… But… Batman fought Superman already, that’s the title of the movie. I saw them fight, and i can go home now right? Oh, i have to sit through the Dawn of Justice part still? But i want to go home, i don’t want to see more explosions, i don’t want to see more fighting, i don’t want to be assaulted by Hans Zimmer’s horrendous score anymore, i don’t want it anymore, any of it. I just want to go home.
I can go on and on as there are gaping plot holes, gaping jumps in logic, gaping story and narrative leaps but i’m not going to anymore. It hurts my head, and it hurts my heart. This movie is the product of a studio frantically waving and screaming at me to give them money for years on end.
Years on end…
Don’t see this movie if you haven’t already, watch anything else. Watch Batman Begins or Man of Steel or even Age of Ultron. You work hard for your money, and that should mean that anything has to earn that privilege of your hard earned dollars. Don’t waste them on this, and don’t waste your time.
OUT OF FIVE